Thoughts
by Meulin's Disciple
Summary: Leafpool's thoughts and feelings at the end of "Sunrise". Oneshot. Rated T just in case. Please read and review.


_**A/N:** Hello peoples! This is my first "Warriors" fic. I've been reading the book series for... almost four years, so I would think I have the terminology down pat. This is just a oneshot I randomly had the idea to do about what Leafpool may have been thinking and feeling at the end of "Sunrise"._

_Alright. I shall keep you distracted with boring author's notes no longer! xD_

_Please, read, enjoy, and of course, review ^w^_

* * *

I don't get it.

Why would he deny it so strongly?

He loved me and I loved him… and I still do…

Then why would he deny everything? Why would he say that it was all a lie?

I did the forbidden for him, not once, but twice.

As a medicine cat, I am forbidden to take a mate or to have kits.

And not just that.

Even if I were just another warrior, then our circumstances would not have been much different; it would still be a forbidden love. He is of Windclan and I of Thunderclan.

But alas, I am a medicine cat of Thunderclan (although I may soon be stripped of the privilege) and he is a warrior of Windclan.

I am the Thunderclan medicine cat Leafpool who had the Windclan warrior Crowfeather's kits, and still, he denies ever loving me.

When he first spoke at the Gathering, before he broke my heart and shattered my soul, I heard the uncertainty, the sadness in his voice. The others may not have, but I did.

I had borne him three beautiful kits, all of whom made me proud (even Hollyleaf. May she find rest, peace, and happiness in Starclan), and yet he denies the feelings he had—and maybe even still has—for me.

I had his kits (although the same can be said for Crowfeather's mate, Nightcloud), but he rejects me, my kits, _his_ kits. He rejects us, his original family, yet he seems to be so _proud_ of his Nightcloud and his pureblooded Windclan son (although I'm quite sure he feels actual love for neither and is in denial with his feelings).

…

Oh Starclan, since when have I been feeling this way? Since when have I been having these _thoughts_?!

I'm a medicine cat for goodness sake; I shouldn't be feeling such… such _malice_!

Perhaps that is why medicine cats are forbidden for having such relationships: to prevent these feelings, of love and hatred; medicine cats should feel unconditional love for all others and hatred towards no cat.

Cinderpelt…

You always said that I would make a wonderful medicine cat. You had such high hopes for me.

I'm so sorry, Cinderpelt. I really am.

I knew I shouldn't have done it, I should have never loved Crowfeather, but I did and I still _do_.

Heh… What kind of medicine cat am I?

Not a very good one; I've hurt the ones I care for the most through my actions and my decisions. I'm a healer, yet I've possibly ruined the lives of several other cats; I already ruined Hollyleaf's.

Squirrelflight.

Jayfeather.

Lionblaze.

…

Firestar and Sandstorm…

I've failed them all.

I disgraced my parents.

I possibly destroyed my sister's relationship with Brambleclaw.

My kits hate me.

I even broke ancient laws set by Starclan…

And it was all because I love Crowfeather and decided to act upon my feelings.

But I don't blame Crowfeather for everything that's happened; I never did and never will.

Everything that has happened is my own fault.

Oh Starclan, is this my punishment for failing you, not once, but twice?

Am I to suffer twice as much for my actions?!

…

Oh Starclan, I wish I could make up for everything I've done, but I'm still _in love_ with Crowfeather.

I can't help my emotions, I can't create them nor can I make them stop.

I can only _feel_.

I wish for no one's pity; I'm not deserving of that.

Whether or not Crowfeather still loves _me_, I don't think I'll ever be quite sure.

Either way, the damage has been done.

My heart will bleed for many seasons.

My soul… has been shattered; the dust has already been scattered by the wind.

Neither can ever be repaired.

No herb can ever heal my wounds.

I know I can never make up for what I have done, all the pain and misery I have caused.

Cinderpelt…

I know you don't remember the hopes and dreams you had for me (or even the memories you had as a medicine cat), but…

I just hope that someday…

you can find it in your heart to forgive me…

because…

I'll never be able to forgive myself…


End file.
